Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A bitter sweet disease..


Since i am a kid, my mom always tells me "you're always up and down, your mood, your grades..
("tu es toujours en dents de scie") very much like this
Growing up, it got stronger and stronger, with many new symptoms.
Now i know, it's Cyclothymia.

* I am an emotion sponge.
* I am very creative
* I am extremely sensitive
* I analyse situations and people's behaviour all the time
* I pay attention to details a lot
* I read between the lines
* My highs are too high
* My lows are too low
* I am hyper reactive to eveything
* My self-estime is non-existent
* I have panick attacks (recent symptom)
* I feel so gloomy when comes the night or the end of the weekend
* I feel the need for protection a lot
* My expections are very high (with life and people)
* My mood can change in function of the weather
* I live in my own world
* I see and feel things that the others don't
* My senses are overly developped some days ("no Alice, you can't physically smell hope in the air !" "yes i can !")
* I excuse myself for existing most of the time
* I am always affraid to appear broken
* I can cut myself from the world for few days, and friends don't always understand it
* I have big emotional comprehension
* I feel people's emotions and vibes, more and more...

it's not easy everyday,
but i like the fact that it's so intense to experience.

{pour les français intéressés par le sujet, émission sur la cyclothymie à podcaster ici }


Camilla said...

Wow... Some of this seems horrible, while some of it seems kind of wonderful. But just remember - we like you just the way you are ;)

Emz said...

That is such a pretty picture! That seems really horrible, but it also makes you an interesting person =) Bland people are so boring.

Ombeline said...

Ne change rien

Olga said...

That actually sounds a whole lot like me, hmm. Since I was a teenager, I've been secretly convinced that I have some sort of bipolar thing going on. There are so many positive things on that list though, days when the air smells like sunshine and happiness.

eima said...

I dont realy think a mood disorder or something like a disease...I dont realy know you, but I can see myself in your symptopms and I am sure that it is just our enlightenment. People get more and more sensitive for emotion, energy and vibes and so they have a very changeble mood for themself...but i think there is nothing bad about it...just a bit complicated for the others sometimes ;]

Maria said...

oh my, then I must have it too...! I can relate to almost everything on the list.
I'm off to read about it now!!


Laura said...

I can imagine it's not always easy for you to live like this, but I think the best thing you can do is not to see it as a disease but as a gift that gives you opportunities not everybody has access to. That's the way a boy I know (he has a more severe form of mood disorder) described to me how he copes with his disorder, I thought this way of handling things is so amazing.

jessica/ said...

oh, that sounds just like me. really.
i often feel like no one understands me, and maybe this is why.
thank you for writing about this.

ieva jansone said...

dear alice,
thank you for sharing your blog. i haven't yet seen all of it, of course (it's so much); i think, i'll come back to read and see more... but already from what i saw i get an impression of how you are..
what a wonderful girl :)
i love your creativity, sensuality, spontanity..
by the way, as to your "symptoms" - i have many of them too. except of 9,10,11,12.. and some more. but well, i'm 38 now. it used to be worse ;)
well, bonne nuit :)

Anonymous said...

Janie's a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her.

Quote from the movie American Beauty

how do any of us know how to react to anything in life. We are born and are told millions of stories on how to "be" and how to "survive". Death is always lurking behind every passing your crazy original self...before its too late.